The Johnston Center for Integrative Studies

Samantha Berkman and Phil Bouley
“This is Not a Course”--Mayterm 2009

Screenplay (Final Project)

Adhost: So on the right you can see the quad. This is the main selling point of University of Redlands. We pride ourselves on sustainable consumption of resources since we are here in a desert. All of our sprinklers are on a solar powered cycle that is automated for the sprinklers to go off 43 times every 8 hour shift. This is also the largest and only natural grass field in redlands. We fertilize with green Canine feces to give it that rich healthy green color--

Tweak: Excuse me, what about these two buildings here on the left? I’m having my overnight here.

Adhost (look of terror on face, shoots an angry look at Tweak, then continues normally): Bees are essential to the multitude of flowers that you see around you. Bees have actually been decreasing in number over the past 12 years--

Tweak (insistent): Hey, excuse me, I would like to know what the Johnston center is. It’s pretty much the main reason why I’m looking at Redlands.
Adhost (pulls Tweak aside): Listen kid, if you keep asking questions I’m going to have to leave you behind.

Tweak (Backing into Bekins fending off a growing crowd of people gathering asking for cigs): Sorry, I just got here I don’t have any cigarettes.

Tweak enters Bekins and is immediately slammed into a wall.

CA: Who are you? What are you doing here? Who are you here to see? Alright, you don’t want to talk? Come with me.

(Tweak has a bag thrown over his head and is knocked unconscious)

Tweak wakes up in a dark room with a desk and a single lamp. Another person walks in with a file, and the CA and new person begin a good cop/bad cop interrogation on Tweak.

(Naked people are in the hallway chatting normally. They wave to Tweak who meekly waves back)
(First door on left opens and a student stumbles out followed by clouds of smoke, Ad host rushes over and pushes student back in the room and slams the door.)

Ad host: As you can see, we are quite different from the University of Redlands at large. We think of ourselves as progressive and on the fore front of community development.
(Student with a sledge hammer dressed really funny (pig sweater)/Brendan Mead-esque walks by)
(Pagan ritual happening in a lobby right next to Ad hosts’ room.)

(CA then follows Tweak into the bathroom)

Tweak shadows Ad host into classes.

Ad Host: Just thought I should remind you that I contracted out of the paper due today and instead I’m singing a song by Michael Bolton.
Teacher: Great. And I also believe our other Johnston student still has to do his presentation on Alexander Hamilton.
(Student stands up with boom box and wordlessly puts on a CD and starts interpretive dancing for about a minute.)
Teacher: Well that was very ambiguous. I especially liked the part about the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. This will definitely be mentioned sort of in your evaluation. When I write it. Sometime 2 years from now. If I can even remember what your name is.
(Student then sits down puts his feet up on the desk and starts picking his toenails.)

Teacher: Ok well what did people think about the readings assigned?
(Dead silence with only the two Johnston students raising their hands.)

Teacher: Anyone, anyone at all. Well okay, you there. (points to Johnston Ad host)

Teacher: Thank you for those rousing comments. Anyone else.
(Dead silence except for the same person who’s hand is raised enthusiastically.)

(On the way to next class)

(Tweak and Adam walk into the Johnston class. The teacher is only person sitting down at a desk. Students are drawing on whiteboards, someone is playing guitar and singing, people are sword fighting. Two people are yelling about something in one corner. 10 minutes after the class is supposed to start, a bunch more people walk into the class room totally nonchalant and the professor looks up.)

Teacher: Well now that everyone is here, we can start. How did the 400 pages of reading make everyone feel? What tone did the author have, and do you think he maybe was dealing with mother issues while writing this?

Teacher: Now that we have discussed the text we can spend the next hour agenda building.
(Teacher spends the next hour agenda building.)

Ad host: Just to prepare you for community meetings, all of the kids in the last class are going to be there and it probably won’t go anywhere near as well. We might spend four hours talking about what cheese we can have in Nighttime Java, or we could be out of here within twenty minutes. It all really depends on who shows up and how many.

(Facilitator wearing an army uniform.)

Facilitator :
You are not following process that vas an abuse of ze direct response, secretary take him avay.
Person is led out and gunshot is heard.
Facilitator: Ve do not tolerate abuse of ze direct response, now if zere are no more interruptions, ve can move on to ze next topic of discussion. 

(Several hours elapse, its dark outside both Tweak and Ad host look exhausted)

Tweak: So I never thought it was possible to talk about colors for five hours and still not come to a consensus on which one to use.

Ad host: Yeah its almost time for the open mic. I think one of my ex’s is MCing.

(Tweak and add host walk in to clapping and a guy sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage.)

Thank you.

MC: Alright, what an amazing talent. So I was going to read this quote a great man once said. This saying has influenced my life in tremendous and irreversible ways. It has inspired me to be the man I am today, “So I was walking down the street one day and all these houses started falling on me and I was like, “Get off me homes!”. This next performance is the closing act of the night. This young lady has been gracing our ears for two years now. Largely considered the best voice on complex, our very own Johnston Secretary’s Golden Retriever Piddles singing an aria from Carmen. 

Adhost: Actually you’re in luck, this is our post-sunlight designated consumption zone, Java. We take pride in the nutrition that all of our consumption zones promote.

Tweak: Yeah in just a minute. I’ve just been fiending for a cigarette all night. I’m going to go see if anyone has one outside then I’ll be up.

--FIN--